I have a tendency to try to manually adapt my emotions to situations being played out. Sometimes, the complexity of having, not only a personality, but different reactions given off by your personality is overbearing for some people. In fact, I often see a common misconception where others believe that a setback overrides everything else in their lives, but it doesn’t. This is, just, people over simplifying something to have a reason to let their body and mind play victim. You see, nothing is too great to overcome- that is, to the extent where you don’t build it up, yourself, to that altitude. So, I’ve built a system.

My system maintains two things. 1) focusing my perception on the good things that have come out of the conclusion. 2) avoiding contact with the situation until I am ready to (no. 1). Seems simple, doesn’t it? It actually quite is, if we were under the evolutionary standings of a mammal- You’d think that, as the head species, we’d grow prone to the idiocies of letting our emotions control us (hah). I mean, our society has grown to a point where even 12 year olds know that being emotionally gutted sucks.

Anyway, my point is, you never get use to being hurt. We’re not programmed that way. But, what we do have is the ability to slow down our reactions and think before we do (yay, frontal lobe!). So, do it. Instead of staying in bed for days, use your situation as motivation. Get up, get dressed, and don’t forget to be grateful.

I rushed it, now the regret and consequences are heavy. Now, I’m jumping straight to metaphors and cliches to help explain my actions. Well, I guess none of that matters after you’ve reached an ultimatum. No amount of reasoning will guide you through any situation that’s caused such opposing outcomes. There’s always one answer you have to come to contention with, and another you wish you could feel the sensation of. We both know how this is going to conclude. It’s just a matter of who’s going to be the first person to make the move.

I guess you can’t really call it an ultimatum then, huh?

I have mad respect for people who stand behind their priorities and values. These days it’s so hard to tell the difference between ignorance and reasoning. Everyone’s just so into being right, or trying to part of “whatsup” that they’ll do anything to prove their point, no matter how stupid or inhumane that point may be.

Imagine having answers to only hypothetical questions, or only being able to taste the raw after taste of black liquorice. That’s how he makes me feel- like, I’m almost there, but it’s either a)not with the right intentions or b)not good enough to persist past the consequences if we followed through.

The thing about almost is that it’s not fully there, or, to be more blunt, how you’re not fully there. The truth is, I want to be able to patient, but what’s the point of waiting if nothing is going to happen. If we’re not going to happen. I’d like to believe that I’ve been through enough relationships to understand how important it is to respect yourself over breaking down your dignity for someone else- no, I don’t mean ego- so, at this rate, I’d also like to believe that I’d be a fool to follow my preconceived convictions when you’re obviously not giving anything else for my faith to build on.

You see, as wrong as I may be at times, or as demanding as my personality is, when I’m willing to try, as hard as I have been for this, I’m completely open. What’s sort of sad is that, at this point, I don’t know if you’re coming up short handed, or if I’m just hoping for a little too much. What’s worst is that you’ve cornered me into a position where I can’t just ask you. This is messed up, you’re ridiculous, and I’m fucking insane.

You have me torn between where I want to be, and challenging if that place is where I ought to be going. Your answers are always so ambiguous and your actions are consistently bittersweet. You refrain from any real conclusion, and always try to decipher the meaning behind everything I have been, or should be doing. You perceive my reactions, like how you reply with deceiving explanations, always so duplicitously. I’m not saying you have to know what you want to do with this- but, you should have some idea of where you want to go from this point on, and that should be an answer enough for whether or not this should continue. I’m just saying, I’m not up to follow another pointless path.

Yeah, I’ve gotten a lot better at going on and ignoring the things that bring me down, but it doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t take a toll on me. I still struggle with taming my wants, and remembering what is logical and appropriate to obtain, or, even more intensely, what is inevitable. I’ve never have to deal with anything harder than trying to keep my desires into one direction- in other words, not giving into simple, yet horrible, addictions. Truth be told, it feels like I’m miles away from even beginning to deal with this issue just because there’s so much to do still. I know I’ll get there eventually- it’s just, when I do go head first into a horrible mood, it feels like I’m getting there way too slowly.